Life Lessons I Have Learned From Gangster Movies

Thanks to AMC, and their Red Carpet Countdown to the Oscars, I have spent a whole lot of time catching up with some Gangster classics. Although, mostly stereotypical, I find that they share some very equal truths on life. Here are a few things that I have learned:

Having a great mob vehicle is essentual!

 CHECK!
Always have a friend who is loyal, unpredictable, and is slightly more shit-bag crazier than you are...

 CHECK! Although, honestly, the 'crazier than' part is a coin toss depending on the day!
When pushed, people will go to all extremes to...

 get rid of a cockroach infestation!
 Keep your friends close...

....but your enemies closer....

Yeah...well, ok..I have part of that down!
Come up with some great phrases like 'sleeps with the fishes' or 'takin' 'em to the mattresses' or.....

CHECK!
When asked point blank.....

Deny, deny, deny! Ok....I need some work on that one too.
Also, it is most essential to have a black man on your side!

Ok...well, this is not so much learned from any gangster movie....but just makes good sense!

Sachel Missed the Boat

I have to thank my cousin, Christina, for this one. This is a singles site for those looking for sea captains, and lets just say that I don't think I will see the guys from the "Deadliest Catch" in quite the same light...
For instance...

 Some information is a little TMI, no matter how creatively you put it. Thanks for the anal penetration visualization, ButtLuvr75...I am forever sc'arrrrrrrred, matey!
And then there's....

You might not even be a sea captain, but don't worry honey! I will be passing on my mom's information to you...she doesn't know anything about computers either!
All women can appreciate a man that knows exactly what he wants...

 ...but sometimes it is not always best to be too specific. Size 11 shoes, really?!?  Not to mention the "really like homosexual men" comment. Is that your way of saying you are bi-sexual or a cross dresser? Maybe he is not looking so much for a girlfriend but more of a way to expand his trannie wardrobe. Good thing he is a Phil Collins fan, because the chances of finding any woman that will answer this ad will be "Against All Odds"!
Lastly, here's......

Nothing is creepier than a 'stalker' picture, coupled with dialogue about how he wants to control his woman. If this guy is not already on some sort of FBI Wanted List, it is only because he spends most of his time out at sea and has eluded the authorities. His description includes "curious"....hmmm....I think that is how Dahmer got started. Not to mention that a Seahawk is a bird of prey. This guy might be better served searching incoming suicide hotline calls. At least both sides will be getting what they want from the 'relationship'.

Mormon Weddings & Why I Finally Understand Al-Qaeda

Ohhhh....This is going to be good! I absolutely LOVE when certain people, who I dislike, do not privatize their settings on Facebook! Oh Flann (not her true name), not only are you a delusional cunt, but a complete obtuse tool as well. Let me preface this blog with the fact that Flann 'likes' the "No Cussing Club" as part of her interests on Facebook, so I must pay homage by using as much foul language as humanly possible for this particular post. Also, I have blocked the identities of those in the pictures (with the exception of Flann), because...after all...this is not PERSONAL...it is just fucking gold!

(Further fucking note: this bitch of a motherless whore took over my department, sent me three e-mails within a month and a half, and made the 'educated' decision to terminate my employment in the lay off)

This is Flann and her husband...

 Flann also 'likes' Glenn Beck and "Peeps For a Costco At 10400 S. and Bangerter".....how fucking well rounded of the cunt! It gives me that warm fuzzy feeling that she supports crazy shitbags for small government when she contributes to placing people in the position to rely on services from big government. Fucking hypocritical hoe-bag. You would think it would make me feel better that she is down with the homies for homogenized member-only shopping, but nah...she is still a raging cunt bag who needs a good douche!

Every good Mormon wedding should include...

 a reenactment of when Joseph Smith found the golden tablets! Look at them all...staring on like those 'tablets' just might reappear! Don't worry Jebeniah...I have my fingers crossed for you too!

 Well Jesus Fucking Christ on the cross....looks like Jebeniah is another statistic of our failed public school system. Fucking dumb ass, you brought shame upon the temple and your 'peeps'!
Speaking of shame....it looks like syphilis was not the ONLY thing Flann got on that weekend she decided to stray from the church, enter the groom...

oh yeah....NOW it is a party....

holla at ya boy...woot woot!

 Get Funky! Get down wit yo bad self....

 Ahhh hell....let's face it...THIS is the type of fucking over-confident shit that other countries see and absolutely hate us for. Can you blame them, honestly?!? I see this, and want to turn away like it is a bad fucking car wreck...because you know that there is just going to be nothing but carnage by the time everything stops. Even that poor soul in the back is trying to get away....run, fucker, run!!! I will leave this display with one final thought....none of this involved a fucking drop of alcohol (or that we can openly admit to...am I right, boys?).
Oh....lets get a picture of the marriage carriage....

I guaran-fuckin-tee you that I have NEVER seen the stylish poetry of "oh m m yeah" on the back of any newlywed car. Not to mention the bloody 'Just Married' scribble...was there a pre-ceremony sacrifice? Wtf?!? Maybe Flann had her period and just scooted around the back window, like a nasty bitch clinging to marking her territory. Lastly, fucking Jebeniah....only your 3rd-grade educated ass would think of ever writing on the fucking paint of the car. You ignorant bastard! I hope you end up with a hard on in a village full of cannibals on your next 'mission'. I mean, these are the fuckers that need to be spreading 'the word'? Here's a mission for you commune-living, underwear loving, polygamy-bred, cult believing, Stepford inspired, bastards: Go fuck yourselves, because some stigmas and stereotypes are such because they are the fucking truth.

My parting words go to Flann. Where I normally would view this as a very harsh post, full of unprofessional candor and assumptions, I only give back to you what you have given to me. I believe that all things eventually come around in this world. Honey, cussing is not the be all end all of evils. Lack of humanity and the inability to empathize is.  When you are delivering news that forever affects a person's life, you can not openly admit to that person that they are just a number, nor is it allowed to insult that person's intelligence by spouting rhetoric and propaganda. If this is the worst that comes around to you, believe me...you got off way too easy.

My Year of the Rabbit So Far....

Unemployment Brings Me To the Popular Girls' Table

What's worse than being laid off after 12 years? Being laid off while others still employed know you have information they can use to still further their careers. This is where I stand. I used to think that I worked with adults, be it misguided adults, but nonetheless professional adults. Sachel always felt the odd man out in that scenerio. While poking fun at company rhetoric and the 'go,team, go!' corporate e-mails from a primarily outsource-seeking company,

Sachel had always known that eventually the corporate axe would come. For the meantime, though, Sachel would weekly fantasize how that event would go down. After all, we had seen unethical behavior right and left including favoritism, nepotism, retaliation, blatant lies, and information that had key information selectively forgotten. I guess after years of feeling your intelligence had been insulted, Sachel yearned for the opportunity for when that favor could be returned, in the most dramatic and entertaining of ways....in true Sachel style.

The first of which was....

Having some really horrible prom dresses on hand for our final interview and escort out of the building, only to distract from the cornucopia of insults that would surface...

Secondly.....

requesting that all separation agreements, termination paperwork, and subsequent continuation of benefits paperwork be presented to us via the Big Red Chief tablet!

Thirdly....

Hitting them where it would hurt the most, below the LDS bible belt....

Fourthly....

 Use that precise moment of termination to introduce the world to Psychotic Spice and Ineeda Xanax Spice as we take a turn on the Dream Girls' classic "You're Gonna Love Me".

Although we were never able to fulfill our dreams of exiting our corporate environment with the grace and dignity that we had so long planned for, Sachel remains strong-fast as the unfolding drama of those left clammer at each other's necks....still trying to convince others and themselves of their company purpose.

For those still calling me, to get specific information on particular people....I have this to say: You had your chance to play in the Sachel sandbox, and now you shouldn't cry when getting bitch-slapped with the shovel and bucket.

Love & Support, So They Tell Me....

Sooooo....I spent 12 worthwhile years with a company, which has just recently laid me off. After dedicating many hours and holidays in lieu of time spent with family and friends, finishing school, and sustaining any resemblance of a normal social life, I find myself in a floating quandary of what to do next. These were my thoughts (not in any particular emotional order):

1. Perform a personal test of my ex-company's dental plan by allowing the top three layers of management above me to 'bite the curb'.
2. Sucker punch an LDS 'representative'.
3. Improve my smoking habit from 1 pack a day to 2.
4. Write my Republican representative, with my very distinct thoughts along the lines of 'suck it' and 'even Jesus hates you'.
5. Sell bonsai trees at the corner gas station.
6. Write a blog.

It is always a good thing, in times like these, that you can really rely on family and friends to pick you up, dust you off and say such encouraging words like 'you will find something better' or 'they never appreciated you'. As luck would have it...I didn't exactly get that reaction. I know that the people around me have my best interests at heart, but I can only think that my long-standing morbid sense of humor has spread its wings and set an unknown standard for how my family and friends offer their love and support.

This is my mom....

She looks harmless, right? I love her to death, but her words were "I have always hated you having that job." That would seem encouraging if it was not followed up with "Is your hair thinning? You get that from your father's side of the family" and "those dark circles under your eyes are really looking bad." As her encouraging words are still floating in the air, I ponder as to why my internal compass is so confused.

Here is my man of 3 years....

Isn't he just the picture of brutish charm and subtle sensitivity? I would like to say that he is about as smooth as that cue ball head of his, but....lets just start with reactions such as "can you pop this?" Four days after my layoff, he turned to me in bed, and with endearing eyes asked me "Can you give me a full body massage? I have had a really rough week." On his single day off, after my layoff, his response when asked what we were going to do for the day was "I thought I would drop you off at the Unemployment office." I know what you are thinking, but stand back girls....he is all mine!

This is the other part of "Sachel", Susan, the best co-worker and friend a girl could ever have by her side...

Fortunately, or unfortunately, she still has a job with the company. The added bonus for keeping her job was an immediate change of hours and the addition of 2 other department operations, with the adage from management "we still need you at this point". Yeah, the company incentives are just THAT good!

All and all, I know in the depths of my normally dark heart, that everyone deals with issues the best way they know how. I love my family, and my friends...and I could not ask for another group of dysfunctional  personalities that I would rather have in my boat.